A decrease in or disappearance of signs and symptoms of cancer.

2024 marks nearly 3 years… March is always a significant month the month i was diagnosed actually it was my dad’s birthday to be precise. But march is when i get my annual MRI and mammogram.

I always feel nervous, quiet, dread as i know what is involved in these investigations. So far ive had 2 successful MRI and mammograms its almost like a another milestone. If i reach 5 years the risk of reoccurances drops to below 3%. I actually never thought in my life i would be looking at my future like that.

But wow lets take a step away from the label of triple negative cancer. What i have achieved since getting the all clear…

Promotion, race for life, my girls, my besties and never taking anything for granted…take life by the balls and say what the hell ❤️❤️❤️❤️.

Promotion… Ive been lucky enough to be given the opportunity of a secondment as a team lead which is where i have sat for 18 months. This not only gave me an opportunity professionally but allowed me to meet and join a team of amazing individuals who have rocked life with me since and i sincerly hope i get the opportunity to stay with them but that doesnt mean to depart from my amazing discharge divas who i remain close to as amazing friends rather tham colleagues ❤️

Race for life… So you may know my beautiful girls are part of the amazing LDC family. The chance of race for life came up and i was lucky enough to endure the journey with LDC and my godson and close friend Jenny, we raised an astonishing amount and alongside my beautiful daughters i completed the 5km race for life last year. My inspiration actually came from my best friend rachel and her close friends who completed it for me whilst I was having treatment. I am so glad i got the opportunity and i was so proud to give something back to the NHS who saved my life.

So my girls… The 2 individuals that keep me going every day. Which i know sounds selfish as i have some pretty amazing family and friends but these 2… My girls who give me attitude, sleepless nights, perspective and most of all LIFE… My wish is that they never remember the year of hell we went through as a family. I think kyrie remembers snippets, i think she remembers mummy with no hair but doesnt quite understand why, she cries and gets anxious if she finds out I’m going back to hospital for my annual tests, she asks about my scars when she sees them. This comes from an 8 year old… She knows what she needs to know as my baby. ❤️

Taking life by the balls…

As a 31 year old diagnosed with stage 3 triple negative cancer and 9 months later be told i had full response to the treatment… Wow second chance or what

Life must never be taken for granted, life is there to be lived, take the opportunities, take the adventures, every once in a while take the risk, stay safe and most importantly never regret ❤️❤️

I am sure that was film… So 2nd of December marked 9 months since the day my world fell apart and I’m now 17 radiotherapy session in and finish treatment on 21st December.

So not going to lie the side effects my radiologist listed to me 4 weeks ago meant a very sleepless night before starting radiotherapy and the deep dark gloom feeling in my tummy all morning waiting for my appt. I’ve spent 9 months being prodded and poked why should this be any different.

As I said before because my cancer was on the left side in order to protect my heart I needed to be able to hold my breath for 20 second stints to inflate my lungs and move my heart out of the firing line. So I lie down in the delightful contraption with my arms above my head and I can’t move a muscle the radiologist then spends about 15 minutes measuring and scanning making sure the marks line up and I can effectively hold my breath. They measure anterior and posterior and depth.

If the scan is all good I can move on to be zapped. So 2 lots of 20 seconds then it’s done… I don’t feel anything!! I have to use E45 twice a day to keep my skin healthy. I’ve now been given flamogel and my left side has gone bright red with a rash and my nerves under my arms have gone back to how they were post surgery. I have some cording under my arm which is stretch muscles causing pain and restrictions so twice a day flamogel, twice a day E45, arm exercises and a tennis ball to hand to massage under my arm.

On my last radiotherapy appt I also had a nurse review and she said everything looked as it should at this stage no concerns continue what I’m doing and for 2 weeks after I’ve finished radiotherapy. I’ve been referred to a wellbeing session in February which is kind of a mental. And emotional catch up for me. I have no idea what I’m going to feel after Christmas when treatment has finished and the festitivities so is good to know I have somewhere i can turn if I start to struggle.

So with Christmas around the corner girls have finished school and nursery. I am feeling very festive and very excited for the big day watching the girls open their presents and following the magical. Journey of Christmas with them. Favourite time of year….

Last treatment hurdle is radiotherapy in order to have this I needed my surgical wounds to heal and to regain full movement of my arm. My breast wound healed no problems my lymph node wound was a different story….

3 weekly reviews, one week of antibiotics, a week of a leaking wound I managed to get it to heal. Exercises were really painful and I got tendon pains on the inside of my elbow meaning I couldn’t straighten my arm.

Nerve pains are the worst so before surgery I was told that the removal of the lymph nodes would indeed give me altered sensation under my arm, nerve pains, shooting pains and pins and needles. These feelings can last for months and it’s about managing, exercising and resting.

So Friday I’ve got an Mri scan which was requested by my breast consultant as an image they use in March to determine if there have been any changes and can be used every year. Then I’ve got CT scan with tattooing in the radiotherapy department. This is my planning scan ready for my start date.

I’ve already had my discussion. Over the phone with my radiotherapy consultant. He explained all the side effects and what he wanted to do and if I was happy to consent. So side effects to get my head round because the cancer was on my left side I need to hold my breathe for 15 to 20 seconds whilst having radiotherapy this is to move my heart slightly so the beams don’t hit my heart!! I will have scarring to the top. Of my lung, increased weakness to my left hand side, burns to my boney area on my chest and fatigue.

The plan is for 19 daily sessions of radiotherapy 3 weeks of left side then 4 daily doses of just my boob to finish off. The boosters at the end are because of my age and the fact I had triple negative cancer which at my age shouldn’t be getting. After my radiotherapy ill have a 3 monthly review and then be handed back over for my yearly scans!!!

So Friday 3 attempts of a cannula they managed to get a paediatric cannula on the inside of my wrist for the contrast in the MRI. I have never had pain like it it made me cry and the bruise is phenomenal. Straight after that I had my CT scan in radiotherapy so 45 minutes I was all measured up and scanned ready for radiotherapy to start on the 25th November. The CT scanner measured the depths of my breathing and checked that I could hold my breath correctly in order to move my heart away from the beams. They also needed to do 3 tattoo marks to focus the beams on for each session.

I now know why I’ve never had a tattoo. So they popped some ink on the spot and then proceeded to stick a needle in my skin to mark me. Wow the pain was excruciating no local aneastetic I was glad when it was over. So now I’m literally ready for the last hurdle… Daily E45 to be applied to my chest and scars to try and prep my skin for a blasting.

All being well the final blast is on the 21st December just in time for Christmas…. Inbetween all of this we have managed to. Enjoy lots of family time and celebrating birthdays. Life is slowly but surely getting back to some normality.

So my last blog was me waiting patiently for what felt like forever for my surgery after the whole house went down with Covid!! The news of Sarah Harding passing with the same disease was devasting and affected me more than I thought it would.

The day of surgery came and I had so many people texting me and keeping me company while I waited. I was on the afternoon list and was ecstatic when I found out there was only 2 of us on the list.

Before I could go down I had to have a small procedure to insert a wired line into the marker where the tumour once was and needed an injection into my boob to highlight my sentinal lymph node for removal. I thought the wire was going to be a small short wire just protruding out of the skin but no there I was sat in Day surgery with a stupidly long wire hanging over my shoulder taped to my skin.

The injection was really uncomfortable they inject onto the side of your nipple and it blisters up before going up into your under arm where your sentinal lymph node is this is to determine how many the consultant takes for testing to see if the cancer has spread. I ended up having the sentinal and 2 other lymph nodes being removed.

My surgery was only suppose to be a day case but when I woke up at about 1900 stupidly groggy I’m sure I heard them say I had a drain insitu so there was a bed on women’s health for me. I was half glad really I would never have been able to get my self into a state of consciousness ready to go home. The night stay was a blur I was woken every hour or so for different checks but the girls were amazing and in the morning my drain hadn’t drained a great deal so they whipped it out and let me go home.

I had strict instructions to basically do nothing but my exercises for the next 2 weeks hubby and my parents took on everything. Jaycie ended up staying at my parents most of the 2 weeks as I couldn’t lift her in and out of the cot or fight with her to change her nappy. About 6 days after surgery I was due for a dressing change so rang them up to be told they didn’t routinely see ladies who had only had a lumpectomy but because I was still quite restricted and in pain I went for a check.

I still had all the padded dressing on from the ward so once that had been taken off it felt so much better I did feel like a fraud as I could of taken the dressing off myself at home if I had known but they checked my wounds and everything was OK so back home to continue exercises. I was doing OK woohoo.

The days were slowly passing and results day was creeping up I felt stupidly stressed I was snappy, and not coping well with being so restricted with daily activities. I had so much support coming up to my appointment and 10am on the 7th October I officially got THE ALL CLEAR!!! I cried my eyes out… Hubby cried his eyes out I just couldn’t believe it the past 6 months of total rubbish had been worth it… Every day feeling rubbish in bed…. Every moment of sadness… Every social event I missed.

ALL CLEAR…. so what does that mean no more chemo and no more surgery. I have now been referred to radiotherapy as a ‘mopping up’ procedure maximum of 15 days looking to be around the start of Dec as I have to have movement in my arm and wounds healed. So 2 weeks time I’m to start using E45 on my scarring ready for radiotherapy.

I will now have yearly breast reviews for 5 years, yearly MRI for 10 years and yearly mammograms for 20 years.

Wow I big deep breath trying to digest it all thank goodness Jamie was there to help remember it all. The nurse went through a discharge note which wasn’t actually a discharge as I’ve got open door for the next 5 years for any concerns. So my cancer journey continues and I still have a long way to go. The cancer has gone I can focus on my life and my family, complete dreams and watch my girls grow. I don’t know how this will affect me mentally yet or how I will be feeling after radiotherapy, how my scars will affect me…. But im here and I’ve kicked it’s butt.

Since putting the news on my socials I can’t believe the response I’ve had messages from people I have helped or inspired. I feel totally amazing that I’ve managed to help people in similar situations or answered any concerns people might of had. raised awareness of breast cancer not just in women. given people the confidence to be checked. These blogs started off being a venting page for me to digest what was happening to me and to look back on to see how far I’ve come. I am over the moon I’ve inspired people to check their boobies and as time is crucial go get it checked.

From the very beginning I seem to be walking thru sludge I have never done anything easily so why should finishing chemo be easy……

Post chemo I didn’t feel at my worst I was quite lucky a few days in bed then I managed to pull on my big girl pants and enjoy the summer holidays with my girls… Or so I thought so a week after chemo my girls had a high temperature and kyrie complained of a headache I didn’t think much to it until my dad phoned me to say he couldnt taste or smell anything and a lateral had come back Positive!

I had managed to bypass covid this entire time but when jaycie lateral came back Positive I knew I wasn’t going to get away with it. 5 days later high temp and cough I got sent to A&E for blood and a covid test.

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I ended up being covid positive and on antibiotics for high WBC and a bad chest. It was definatly an experience being in the acute environment with a ‘label’… Staff triple masking coming into my room dressed like an astronaut. I just wanted to be at home; and thankfully they let me go home on oral antibiotics.

A week from baby Cuffe having a positive test hubby also tested positive so 17 days in isolation was interesting. The girls reached cabin fever almost immediately snf the amazon man became our best friend bringing goodies everyday. I thank my lucky stars I have had both my vaccinations and the only symptoms I seem to have was chesty cough, no taste or smell, high temp and slight body aching. I managed at home and managed to stay as normal as possible keeping the girls occupied and the house in some sort of order.

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So having dealt with all of this the next hurdle came… Because of my covid status aneathatists don’t like to operate on someone unless they are 4 -6 weeks post covid and I was currently 3 and a half. The breast nurse emailed the surgeons as I didn’t have a lot of time with chemo also being 6 weeks. The decision was made that my op was going to be postponed by a week to give my chest time to recover. So my new op date would be the 21st Sept.

So having come out of isolation my chest is recovering nicely and summer came to an end I had a final post chemo USS scan which showed no lymph node involvement and no tumour so as before all good news and striding forwards to my op.

Little Cuffe has also gone back to school how scary year 1!! She seems to be loving it so far all smiles and loving being back with her friends. She now has given me a list of all the after school clubs and other clubs she wants to join I’m going to need a bank loan to cover these expenses every month lol…

As life starts to get back to normal I had my first outing with my discharge divas for a very special ladies retirement. I was sick of wearing head scarfs all the time so I bought a wig off my best friend amazon and took it out for a meal.

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So life goes on and the world keeps Turning; my hair is slowing coming back, scars are fading, reality is what it is bring on the 21st xxx

March the 25th i started my chemotherapy journey…. 15 chemo bags, 30 blood tests, 6 scans, 23 picc line dressing changes, 3 admissions into hospital, and 18 syringes of EC chemo on the 6th of August I finished!!

When someone says the word ‘cancer’ I agree it’s a pretty terrifying word. Having now gone through chemotherapy for 4 months that word terrifies me more. I can’t explain the sudden onset of sickness, the anxiety, the awful taste in your mouth, the out of body experience you have during administration! It is one of the most horrific situations I have been through in my life and the knowing of how shit your going to feel afterwards for at least a week!!

This was me 6 months ago…. And this is me…. Now

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It’s taken a lot for me to even take this photo but thanks to the macmillan ‘look good feel better’ program they were amazing. Over zoom they taught me how to draw on my eye brows!! Tricks to make it look like I have eye lashes and how to care for my scalp ready for regrowth. The course gave me confidence and even though this is the only photo I have taken without my head scarf I feel empowered and not as scared. For now ‘this is me’ and my hair will and has started to grow back.

The only worry I currently have is by about lunchtime I seem to find myself with only one eye brow or half of one ….. Oh the joys hey lol if anyone sees me in this predicament please tell me lol.

So now my chemo has finished it was back to my surgical team for another pre op appointment discussion, consent form signed, date set and a small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. So stage 2 removal of the margins and lymph nodes. Date set for the 14th September!!! I feel like I’m getting some control of my life back I hate not knowing what’s happening and where I need to be but now I have the date I can plan things and enjoy the rest of the summer with my girls.

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I also lost my friend on my last chemo too… Woohoo the relief was massive not so much when they pulled a 30cm line out my arm like a whippet but my first proper bubble bath up to my chin for 5 months was delish lol.

So as they say onwards and upwards surgery plans in place, return to work pencilled in, jaycie return to nursery pencilled in. Just keep everything crossed for my results in October if I get the all clear next step will be radiotherapy to blast away any reminants of the bastard if I don’t get the all clear it’s back for more surgery and potentially more chemotherapy in tablet form for a longer period.

Well as true to its word 3 weeks ago I had my first EC chemo treatment. It consisted of 3 red syringes and 3 clear syringes I immediately felt sick and got quite emotional. My chemo nurse came to see me and talked through everything side effects and how i should expect to feel each week between my cycles.

First week I was super tired the girls came back from holiday and they weren’t very well at all GP reviews, 111 calls and covid tests… Eventually we got them better and I thought I got away with it but….

Low and behold I came down with the bug. 5 days later a trip to hospital where I was neutropeanic but could be managed at home on oral antibiotics so chose the easy way out and trotted home. 4 days after that no better and woke up saturday with a temp of 38. 1 so back to hospital where I was admitted for three days.

It was so tough my picc line wasn’t bleeding and my veins were fast collapsing. I now have the bruises to show it. Hospital now let’s you have 1 visitor and the ward was fantastic and let Kyrie come to see me over the weekend too. Hardest thing saying bye to my girl especially when she got upset about leaving me.

She then spent the weekend at my mum and dad’s as she told them she didn’t want to go home because it didn’t feel like home without her mummy there….. Brutal words from a 5 year old my poor baby girl. ♥️♥️♥️

A bonus from my stay in the hospital However is they got my picc line too bleed with some medicine. So hopefully no more bruises and I’m on the 3 week count down to it being removed. It’s been a long 5 months with something constantly stuck in your arm. I’m looking forward to a nice bubble bath where I don’t have to hang my arm above my head lol.

So my first cycle of the red devil was hardcore to say the least. Another step closer and today was a stage further as I saw my surgeon to discuss the next steps. The surgery has to take place within 6 weeks of my last chemo so looking to be in September. I’ve got another appt after my last chemo when a date will be finalised and pre assessment completed.

Had a long chat with the breast nurse who went through every single detail of what the surgery entails and the long term effects. The position of where my tumour was means I will have an indent on my chest where they will remove the metal pin and surrounding tissue for testing they are also planning on removing up to 4 of my lymph nodes for final testing too.

I will have exercises to complete scars under my arm and across my chest. There is a risk of lymphodeama which is fluid build up under my arm, I cannot have my blood pressure taken on that arm in future and potentially have long term loss of sensation.

So much to take in I’m glad I get to see my surgeon again before pre assessment because going into clinic on your own you don’t come up with the questions your family does so I’m gradually building a list of questions.

Just keep telling myself I’m nearly there I feel a lot more relieved now we’ve had the surgery discussion as I feel like I’m defo coming towards the end of this horrendous chemo. 2nd cycle of EC tomorrow praying for a bit more of an easy ride this time round and no temperatures.

Don’t ask me how and by some miracle I only missed 2 rounds of chemo I have just completed 12 weeks of treatment… Its been the hardest 12 weeks of my life and when the infusion beeped to tell me it had finished I did have a cry. Relief, pride, achievement, self worth all my emotions just hit me like a freight train. I don’t think you can prepare yourself ever for what I’ve just been through, I can’t even describe how you feel at the lowest, the nurses and consultants talk you through side effects and give advice on some symptom relievers but until you are actually sat there full of medicine, it’s not just the chemo I have 4 pre med Infusions, then chemo infusion then post chemo meds, then injections to boost your immunity, and it’s then when the side effects hit you. Everything the professionals advise you on goes out the window I would of done anything to feel better but there isn’t actually anything apart from time…. And time goes pretty slow when your feeling sorry for yourself.

So quick update from the start of my last cycle I had the two bags felt awful all week I was bed ridden my poor parents took the girls and I hardly saw them all week. I was determined not to go back into hospital so rest was a must and I managed to get through the week… Just. I turned up for chemo last Friday my oncology nurse took one look at me and said there is no way your having chemo today. so doctor review and tests bloods were surprising normal but something came up on my ECG which they weren’t happy with, I was also short of breath, pale and had heart palpitations. I was sent home with full instructions to call for a paramedic if I deteriorated over the weekend and another review Monday morning.

Thank goodness I felt better by Monday so they just putting it down to me being a sensitive soul and thanking my lucky stars that was the last 2 bags I needed. So last week was pretty normal school runs, catching up with some emails at work, batch cooking. It was nice but flew by and here we are final weekly treatment.

My picc line is no longer giving blood so I’m having to have peripheral tests which I hate and they struggle with and i bruise for ages because my platelet are slightly low. My skin is also blistering around the dressing which is so painful. You don’t realise how sore your skin gets when it has no hair on it. The tops of my arms are red I have burning sensations on my legs and itch pretty much all over.

But at least my picc line is still flushing meaning I can continue my chemo with it for now. My next lot of chemotherapy is 3 weekly, it’s bright red, it’s called the red devil because it makes all your bodily fluids red for some time after and it’s a lot stronger than what I’ve just had! I think I’m going to need some more luck to get me through this.

Finally today I had my progress scan and face to face review with my oncologist begore starting the next lot of chemo. So bloods and picc line flush followed by ultra sound scan and progree report.

I still can’t quite believe it and I’m pinching myself that I’m awake and not dreaming but the results showed my tumour has GONE and her parting words were ‘complete response to chemo’ ! I burst into tears I am soooo happy those 12 weeks of crap has paid off. So the plan I am continuing on the next lot of chemo whilst I wait for the surgical team to pick me back up review and plan so its a bit like a mopping procedure at the minute to maintain my current reponse….

So stage one smashed it onto the next lot of chemo 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

‘cycle 4 day 1’ now if u had said that to me 10 weeks ago I never would of imagined getting this far. Tomorrow is the start of my last weekly cycle so 2 bags to endure followed by 2 weeks of weekly one bags. I’ve not been sleeping that great and my anxiety levels are rapidly sweeping upwards. For the past 3 cycles the 2 bags have always landed me in a hospital visit. But positivity is key I know what to expect and it’s my last one! Woohoo.

The past 2 weeks have been pretty uneventful I’ve felt quite good in my self enjoyed family time, done some house work and managed to get out into the garden. Half term has been a breeze and I’ve been so grateful for the support from family and friends.

I got a public health letter last week informing me I’m clinically extremely vulnerable and should be shielding. I had a good long think and spoke to my oncologist about the impact on my mental wellbeing and my children’s if I now after all this time shielded at home.

No school runs, no walks, no family visits, no nothing for at least another 4 months. After the year the entire world has had I wasn’t prepared to isolate myself again. Call me selfish or an idiot but as a nurse I’ve seen the impact of the past year I also know the dangers and the sacrifices. Being sensible is what I need to be now to protect my mental health more than anything.

When someone says the word cancer it becomes an awkward conversation and sometimes silent one. Not only do I have to endure the physical treatment side all these toxins, bloods test, diagnostics, my physical appearance changing. I also have the mental side triple negative grade three is an aggressive form of cancer with a higher reoccurance rate. I could of gone through all these cycles and it hasn’t worked I could have surgery and it doesnt work I could get the all clear in 6 months time for it to return again in less than a year….. From now until the day I die I will always have this hanging over me the anxiety and the fear. The mental battle of cancer will always be apart of my life now.

How I deal with all of this?? Focus on my family – So half term it’s been a busy one but whilst I’m feeling up to it treating my girls becomes my priority. Loved seeing there smiles and laughter getting out the house was an added bonus. Twin lakes was a bit scary almost as if there was never a pandemic I wore a mask most of the day but was the only one, went through an entire bottle of hand gel and seemed to be the only ones but we had a great time which was the main thing. Visited a family petting farm which the girls loved and plenty of garden time. I’ll be going into hospital for a rest and chemo on Friday.

So looking forward I have 2 more weeks of weekly chemo then a progress scan I’m them. Booked in to have 3 lots of 3 weekly EC chemo also known as the red devil. The rest of my hair will go, my sickness with increase and potentially my finger and toe nails may drop off!! Sometimes I do wonder if all this is necessary but I’ll follow the path I’ve been given. Show this cancer whose boss hopefully and onwards and upwards.

Accepting that you will have days when you do not feel positive is part of coping with cancer.

After missing round 7 and having a weeks break I felt a bit more like ‘normal me’ doing the school run, running errands, precious time with Jaycie even with the slight prickly neuropathy pains in my hands and feet. Being mumma is what I’m best at and the fact this awful disease is taking so much time away from that is one of the hardest side effects.

Talking about side effect wow my mood swings have been going crazy the past couple of weeks I can just be standing in the kitchen doing something and I start crying or Jamie just comes in and says something and I snap for no reason. The kids fighting gets me everytime or if I ask kyrie to do something and it takes me 3 times for her to listen I loose the plot I feel so bad and apologise after but my poor family this isn’t easy on them either. Communicating has been the sticking glue for us at the minute and I’m so lucky that Jamie understands and has the mentality to either just ignore me or tell me straight to take five minutes and sort myself out lol.

Friday soon came around and what I thought was round 8. My consultant started my cycle again meaning I have only missed one dose of chemo but meaning it was 2 bags carboplatin and paclitaxil mixed emotions as I wasn’t expecting both bags it was good because I didn’t have time to get my self worked up about feeling totally shit all week but bad because I knew I would feel worse this week. My picc line is also starting to struggle the flushing and taking blood is getting more difficult (my veins are starting to deteriorate) but I have no pain or swelling so persevering I’ve also needed a sensitive dressing as my skin around the picc line is blistering and ripping off with the dressing each week.

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However even with all this going on any good news really helps your mental health. My oncology nurse informed me during my chemo that the genetics testing I had at the start of my journey had come back NEGATIVE ♥️♥️ I was so happy I cried on the spot, in the unit on the phone to my family. so a little bit of medical jargon for you guys because I had no idea until all this started.

So cancer is not usually inherited but some types mainly breast can be strongly influenced by genes and can run in families. Inheriting faulty versions or “variants” of these genes significantly raises your risk of developing cancer, because the altered genes cannot repair the damaged cells, which can build up and form a tumour. Also if you do have a high risk cancer gene it can be passed on to any children you have. So my results being negative means I am not high risk of getting cancer again, I do not need preventative surgery and my beautiful baby girls do not have a higher risk from me.

I think I literally floated out of the unit that day. That weekend was pretty rough with the usual side effects tiredness, sickness, horrible taste in my mouth. But a special lady gave us a rainbow and Kyrie enjoyed a teepee sleepover which was so exciting for her she never left the tent all day lol.

Brought back to earth quite literally with another stay in hospital inflammatory markers high and bleeding so 24 hour monitoring, iv antibiotics and Iv fluids. Being discharged today ready for chemo number 8 tomorrow. Its hard to imagine what the future brings at the minute I feel very alone even though I’m not my family and friends have been like my shadow the past 3 months I can’t tell you how lucky I am but how I’m actually feeling how these side effects keep getting worse and last for longer due to my body now being immuno suppressed it’s so hard to explain. I should be enjoying days out now lock down is easing, planning trips, meeting all my friends, having a cider in the sunshine (when it arrives) everything is on hold and I know I should be being positive and focusing on getting through all this so I can kick it’s arse and say good bloody riddence but sometimes it’s hard to see that light.

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