Not to bore you with every detail I decided to spread my blogs out a bit. Surprise you with the unknown. Plus fighting cancer and looking after 2 little ones is bloody hard work lol.

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So celebrated my half way marker of the weekly chemo with some crispy crem doughnuts. They will probably be my last as Jamie was flabbergasted at the price. Ha ha. But wow 6 out of 12 weekly chemo done and what a journey so far. I was warned before that this is going to be the hardest thing I will ever do in life. Emotionally, mentally and physically….

Mentally the past couple of weeks I have been quite low. I’m sick of the four walls and sick of feeling like crap majority of the time. I Wish I was back at work, wish I could enjoy days out now lockdown is easing and wish I didn’t have cancer. When you feel rubbish laying on the sofa your thoughts run away with you why me? What did I do wrong? What if treatment doesn’t work? What will happen to my girls if I’m not around? What if it comes back? I am pretty emotionally drained as I write this part how can life be so cruel?

And just to add to all my emotions Kyrie found a dandelion in the garden over the weekend and asked what to do with it I said make a wish and blow. Her wish was that her mummy was made better wow I crumbled right there and then… My beautiful little girl 💞💞💞.

Taking the good with the bad the Bank Holiday weekend I enjoyed plenty of family time, sunshine and getting out of these four walls. My girls are growing up so fast Jaycie is getting her own little personality can’t believe she is 18 months and Kyrie is a pure sass pants takes after her mother I’m told! Lol.

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So this week was my 3 weekly review with my consultant over the phone. We talked about the trial which I was initially on but the side effects of the medications on top of everything else was too much so I’m still in the trial but not taking anything extra. I asked about my genetics testing which was taken just before chemo. She was a bit blarzay saying it wasn’t really important for this part of the treatment it’s more to decide what surgery I have after chemo however the results weren’t back anyway. My thoughts went into over drive what surgery? I just presumed I was having a lumpectomy and that’s what I kept telling myself it never occurred to me I might be looking at loosing both my breasts and fallopian tubes!! Felt like an unexpected kick in the teeth and an added mental challenge to have to process.

So I am currently sat writing this blog in bed with a bloody cold just to add to everything. Throat like razor blades, head pounding and a runny nose. Jaycie is spending the day with grandad and kyrie is at school. I rang the emergency helpline this morning to check if I could dose myself up and ask about chemo on Friday. I had routine bloods taken yesterday and they show my white cell count is marginally raised suggesting an infection. Bloody great so 24 hours monitoring at home see if I can kick it into touch if not I risk my chemo being cancelled and antibiotics!!

My white cells are too high for chemo tomorrow so another dose skipped. Bit worried that I’ve now missed 2 the nurse was certain it wouldn’t really matter and if my consultant wanted too she could add another dose onto the end. So will see what she says at my next 3 weekly review. I do feel like absolute rubbish though so a little bit glad for a weeks break and might even get to do the school run next week.

I don’t think I’ve done any part of this cancer journey easy so far. Feels like one thing after another it’s a struggle to find the positives in this journey. Not sure if I mentioned that my actual lump has gone so it must be doing something and that’s the only positive I’ve got to hold onto so far.

Wow where do I begin this week… A trip to A&E, phone calls from school, round 5 of chemo and race for life….

So it appears that 2 bags of chemo doesn’t like me one bit. After doing so well over the weekend I started to go back down hill. Sickness was the worse I just couldn’t eat anything, I had a horrible taste in my mouth, no energy and the medication just wasn’t cutting it. Tuesday came and a phone call to the emergency line meant a new prescription for stronger anti sickness, 24 hour monitoring with the possibility of going back into hospital? Infection if it doesn’t improve.

Tuesday evening I got a call from Kyrie school. Kyrie had been quite unsettled for the past 2 days upset and telling her teacher about “mummy being poorly” how I had a poorly arm where my medicine goes in (picc line), my poorly boobie, I’ve lost my hair, I can’t play as much and I sleep more. I was absolutely heart broken. Me and Jamie have been very honest with Kyrie from the beginning told her pretty much everything. We didn’t think she would understand as much as she has done. A very emotional phone call with me feeling like shit already and now having to discuss a plan to try and cheer my little girl up…..

A long chat with her teacher we decided that Kyrie could take a special item into school with her that she could hold when she felt upset. When I was first diagnosed my best friend’s bought me a little hug me bear to keep me company during my chemo as we are currently not allowed anyone on the unit with us. The little bear has written on it ‘a hug from me to you’. Jamie and I felt this would be the perfect little something and we were right Kyrie has cherished it since.

Wednesday morning came and I felt no better so a trip to A&E to be checked for any infections. A full Mot later and a total of 12 hours I was allowed home. This was all part and parcel of chemotherapy and I had to put my big girl pants on and crack on basically. A new plan was put in place at home which basically allowed me to rest more and everyone else doing a lot more for me! Anyone that know me knows I don’t do rest well but it’s either that or keep going back into hospital so…. I’ve given in.

Friday came round far to quickly round 5 one bag of chemo this week, was home for lunch time with some strong anti sickness again, my chemo nurse has been brilliant lots of different tips and I’m not taking my trial meds anymore so let’s see what this week brings.

So after a busy and eventful week I was looking forward to the weekend family time, no school run and this week something very special to me. Some very special ladies were completing race for life and have raised an amazing amount of money. They absolutely smashed it and I’m very proud of them. So a very bittersweet week and now relax……

As many of you know Jamie loves the rocky films and I’ve watched them just as much. So we thought in true rocky balboa style we see chemotherapy as rounds not cycles!! So round 4 of 15 complete

Two bags of chemotherapy drugs today – smashed it no problems. My blood tests showed my neutrophils are high so no immune boosting injections this week either. The side effects I had last week from them made me breath a massive sigh of relief.

Don’t think I mentioned in my first post about my staging results. so the tests and biopsies I had have shown no spread of the cancer at this time. So some bloody good news for a change and my lump has shrunk so chemo must be doing something good as well as kicking my butt at the moment.

So yesterday after having my hair falling out for the past 3 days, Waking in a pillow full of hair, clumps comings away when I washed or brushed it, I spoke to my chemo nurse. Tears streaming down my face, my hair has always been my biggest challenge, fear and emotional wrecking ball. We had a long chat and spoke about all the different things that were available I made the decision it was time it went.

I asked my amazing mum who through shaking hands shaved my head for me. I was glad I didn’t cry but I didn’t want to look in the mirror just yet either. I was relieved that it didnt bother Jaycie and kyrie thinks I look like a boy so could of been worse I suppose.

I didn’t want it completely shaved. when it starts going patchy I’ll go shorter. You don’t realise how cold your head gets though I’ve always had longish hair. I feel OK about it now still positive and a bonus I’m not having to clean up long hair everyday. Staying positive is the best medicine 11 weeks and it will start to grow back!!

Is anyone else looking forward to school restarting next week….. Its not normally too bad as we can meet friends and go places but feeling so rubbish, tired and also having to kind of shield whilst having chemo I can only have a small bubble it’s been a long half term. Anyway chemo yesterday I’ve woken with my usual steroid flushed face bit dizzy and sick. Breakfast and tablets are calling ready for the day with the rascals xxx

Wow… My first blog where do I begin. So let me take you back to the 30th January a normal Saturday morning chilling and playing with the 2 rascals.

A head butt to the boob stopped play as a rubbed it the lump was revealed. Triple checking with hubby and my mum they suggested getting checked out but was adament it was nothing. Longest weekend in history 9am Monday morning came and a que to speak to the doctors I was amazed I could be seen 2 hours from then. The nurse practitioner I saw referred me straight to the breast clinic ‘to be sure’.

A week later the appt came in the post for 2 days time. Releaved and bricking it!! My appt came I was seen by the breast specialist who wanted biopsies ‘just to be sure’ so a morning in the hospital I arrived home to my babies sore and a little closer to getting back to normal. Both the specialist and the radiographer insisted it was a fibro adenoma (nothing to worry about). A telephone consultation had been made for 2 weeks time to clarify that.

Fast forward two weeks and the day before my appt I got a call from the hospital requesting I came into the hospital instead. My heart sank and I cried. Thoughts running through my mind ‘they only change appt methods if it’s bad news’ or maybe they were right and my results hadn’t come back yet!???

2nd March 2021 (my dad’s birthday) I will never forget the words ‘you have breast cancer’. Me and Jamie were taken into another room where the nurse went through everything with us gave us a tree of information and told us what to expect next. Disbelief, shock I didn’t know what to do. I knew it was bad news but someone to actually tell me now it was real and something I had to fight.

So the medical jargon I have grade 3 triple negative breast cancer not hormonal and treatment would consist of 4 months of chemotherapy, surgery and radiotherapy. The breast consultant insisted it was fully treatable and I had youth on my side.

Chemotherapy was booked to start on the 25th March but before this could happen I needed a full screening. In the weeks leading up to my start date I had a full Mri to check the staging, CT scan, 2 mammograms, lymph node biopsies, a small metal pin attached to my lump because chemo was going to shrink it and they needed a footprint for surgery after. Lots of bloods tests and 2 consultations with my chemo doctor. Then just before starting chemo they decided my veins were rubbish and I needed a picc line for blood tests and for treatment.

25th March… My first chemo… I arrived on the unit a nervous wreck. This was actually happening no going back positive thoughts. This could make me really poorly?? Well it was a very traumatic first chemo I ended up having an anaphylatic reaction to the first bag of chemo 4 minutes in coughing, feeling sick, my airway closing about 3 minutes I woke up surrounded by the entire medical team on the unit….. So now they had to decide what to do?? We discussed and tried the bag again but a longer duration and it seemed to do the trick round 1 completed.

So after all that drama surely I would walk the rest… How wrong was I!!?? 5 days later I was admitted into hospital with high temp, low blood pressure and high pulse. Sepsis bundle started… Blood culture’s, iv fluids and iv antibiotics for 48 hours. They never did find out the source of infection and since then I’ve spoken to my chemo doctor who said it was a prolonged reaction to the chemo! GREAT! Because I was on antibiotics I couldn’t have round 2 of chemo so had to skip a round.

Round 3… Chemo was a breeze no problems and then I started taking my injections 2 days after chemo and had a rough 3 days of headaches and body ache feeling sick and stupidly tired. So we are up to date I am due round 4 of chemo tomorrow 2 bags the same as round one praying I don’t have a reaction and don’t end up back in hospital.