It’s A balancing act…

Not to bore you with every detail I decided to spread my blogs out a bit. Surprise you with the unknown. Plus fighting cancer and looking after 2 little ones is bloody hard work lol.

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So celebrated my half way marker of the weekly chemo with some crispy crem doughnuts. They will probably be my last as Jamie was flabbergasted at the price. Ha ha. But wow 6 out of 12 weekly chemo done and what a journey so far. I was warned before that this is going to be the hardest thing I will ever do in life. Emotionally, mentally and physically….

Mentally the past couple of weeks I have been quite low. I’m sick of the four walls and sick of feeling like crap majority of the time. I Wish I was back at work, wish I could enjoy days out now lockdown is easing and wish I didn’t have cancer. When you feel rubbish laying on the sofa your thoughts run away with you why me? What did I do wrong? What if treatment doesn’t work? What will happen to my girls if I’m not around? What if it comes back? I am pretty emotionally drained as I write this part how can life be so cruel?

And just to add to all my emotions Kyrie found a dandelion in the garden over the weekend and asked what to do with it I said make a wish and blow. Her wish was that her mummy was made better wow I crumbled right there and then… My beautiful little girl 💞💞💞.

Taking the good with the bad the Bank Holiday weekend I enjoyed plenty of family time, sunshine and getting out of these four walls. My girls are growing up so fast Jaycie is getting her own little personality can’t believe she is 18 months and Kyrie is a pure sass pants takes after her mother I’m told! Lol.

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So this week was my 3 weekly review with my consultant over the phone. We talked about the trial which I was initially on but the side effects of the medications on top of everything else was too much so I’m still in the trial but not taking anything extra. I asked about my genetics testing which was taken just before chemo. She was a bit blarzay saying it wasn’t really important for this part of the treatment it’s more to decide what surgery I have after chemo however the results weren’t back anyway. My thoughts went into over drive what surgery? I just presumed I was having a lumpectomy and that’s what I kept telling myself it never occurred to me I might be looking at loosing both my breasts and fallopian tubes!! Felt like an unexpected kick in the teeth and an added mental challenge to have to process.

So I am currently sat writing this blog in bed with a bloody cold just to add to everything. Throat like razor blades, head pounding and a runny nose. Jaycie is spending the day with grandad and kyrie is at school. I rang the emergency helpline this morning to check if I could dose myself up and ask about chemo on Friday. I had routine bloods taken yesterday and they show my white cell count is marginally raised suggesting an infection. Bloody great so 24 hours monitoring at home see if I can kick it into touch if not I risk my chemo being cancelled and antibiotics!!

My white cells are too high for chemo tomorrow so another dose skipped. Bit worried that I’ve now missed 2 the nurse was certain it wouldn’t really matter and if my consultant wanted too she could add another dose onto the end. So will see what she says at my next 3 weekly review. I do feel like absolute rubbish though so a little bit glad for a weeks break and might even get to do the school run next week.

I don’t think I’ve done any part of this cancer journey easy so far. Feels like one thing after another it’s a struggle to find the positives in this journey. Not sure if I mentioned that my actual lump has gone so it must be doing something and that’s the only positive I’ve got to hold onto so far.