Cycle 4!!

‘cycle 4 day 1’ now if u had said that to me 10 weeks ago I never would of imagined getting this far. Tomorrow is the start of my last weekly cycle so 2 bags to endure followed by 2 weeks of weekly one bags. I’ve not been sleeping that great and my anxiety levels are rapidly sweeping upwards. For the past 3 cycles the 2 bags have always landed me in a hospital visit. But positivity is key I know what to expect and it’s my last one! Woohoo.

The past 2 weeks have been pretty uneventful I’ve felt quite good in my self enjoyed family time, done some house work and managed to get out into the garden. Half term has been a breeze and I’ve been so grateful for the support from family and friends.

I got a public health letter last week informing me I’m clinically extremely vulnerable and should be shielding. I had a good long think and spoke to my oncologist about the impact on my mental wellbeing and my children’s if I now after all this time shielded at home.

No school runs, no walks, no family visits, no nothing for at least another 4 months. After the year the entire world has had I wasn’t prepared to isolate myself again. Call me selfish or an idiot but as a nurse I’ve seen the impact of the past year I also know the dangers and the sacrifices. Being sensible is what I need to be now to protect my mental health more than anything.

When someone says the word cancer it becomes an awkward conversation and sometimes silent one. Not only do I have to endure the physical treatment side all these toxins, bloods test, diagnostics, my physical appearance changing. I also have the mental side triple negative grade three is an aggressive form of cancer with a higher reoccurance rate. I could of gone through all these cycles and it hasn’t worked I could have surgery and it doesnt work I could get the all clear in 6 months time for it to return again in less than a year….. From now until the day I die I will always have this hanging over me the anxiety and the fear. The mental battle of cancer will always be apart of my life now.

How I deal with all of this?? Focus on my family – So half term it’s been a busy one but whilst I’m feeling up to it treating my girls becomes my priority. Loved seeing there smiles and laughter getting out the house was an added bonus. Twin lakes was a bit scary almost as if there was never a pandemic I wore a mask most of the day but was the only one, went through an entire bottle of hand gel and seemed to be the only ones but we had a great time which was the main thing. Visited a family petting farm which the girls loved and plenty of garden time. I’ll be going into hospital for a rest and chemo on Friday.

So looking forward I have 2 more weeks of weekly chemo then a progress scan I’m them. Booked in to have 3 lots of 3 weekly EC chemo also known as the red devil. The rest of my hair will go, my sickness with increase and potentially my finger and toe nails may drop off!! Sometimes I do wonder if all this is necessary but I’ll follow the path I’ve been given. Show this cancer whose boss hopefully and onwards and upwards.